a short sweet list of people who are going to hell

*breaks out the ole rusty snarkwriting muscle*
*takes a sip of water*

Ahem ... 


(that you might not think of immediately – could be your neighbors, anybody. terrifying)

  • Every landlord I’ve ever had
  • Prison wardens
  • Everybody who doesn’t read
  • Dentists
  • Boring people* **
  • Cat slanderers
  • Fruit stickerers
  • Meter maids*
  • Republicans
  • The inventor of the car alarm
  • People who say “irregardless”
  • Shoe eschewers
  • Birkenstock enthusiasts
  • Morning people*
  • Happy joggers
  • AM radio talk show hosts
  • Drivers who don't use their blinkers
  • Anyone who owns so little music they don’t need to categorize it
  • Bottle non-recyclers*
  • Clowns*
  • Cheaters (dictators, dopers, line cutters)
  • Unannounced visitors*
  • Perfume overdoers
  • Basically most people who have never had a mohawk*
  • Some popes, but not Pope Francis
  • Leaf blower operators
  • 50 item buyers in express lines, but that one’s pretty obvious
  • Mark Zuckerberg
  • Comic artists who don’t give women enough clothes
  • Writers who don’t give women enough lines
  • Producers who don’t give actresses enough money
  • People who take up two parking spots on purpose
  • Dog poop non-scoopers (obviously; one offense is sufficient though, which is important to note)
  • Everyone (owners, investors, bus boys, mailmen, hosts) involved in the day to day function of restaurants that quit serving brunch fifteen minutes early (or ever, potentially) or serve fake maple syrup
  • People over 30 who don’t own a Ramones album, unless they were raised by wolves
  • Richard Spencer (made being a nazi fashionable; ruined the undercut hairdo) < duh
  • People who sell their old punk t-shirts on eBay*
  • Mimes (no reason)

*Some offenses can be lessened by campaigning to pass the ERA, recycling bottles, working at a soup kitchen, or writing an essay (pro or con) about the Oxford comma
**Meant in the literal use of the adjective "boring," not for ex. to indicate employees of The Boring Company

And it turns out Mitch McConnell is Satan, actually, so sorry if I just ruined your day.