4.16.2018

a short sweet list of people who are going to hell


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*yawn*stretchstretch*
*breaks out the ole rusty snarkwriting muscle*
*takes a sip of water*

Ahem ... 

PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO HELL

(that you might not think of immediately – could be your neighbors, anybody. terrifying)

  • Every landlord I’ve ever had
  • Prison wardens
  • Everybody who doesn’t read
  • Dentists
  • Boring people* **
  • Cat slanderers
  • Fruit stickerers
  • Meter maids*
  • Republicans
  • The inventor of the car alarm
  • People who say “irregardless”
  • Shoe eschewers
  • Birkenstock enthusiasts
  • Morning people*
  • Happy joggers
  • AM radio talk show hosts
  • Drivers who don't use their blinkers
  • Anyone who owns so little music they don’t need to categorize it
  • Bottle non-recyclers*
  • Clowns*
  • Cheaters (dictators, dopers, line cutters)
  • Unannounced visitors*
  • Perfume overdoers
  • Basically most people who have never had a mohawk*
  • Some popes, but not Pope Francis
  • Leaf blower operators
  • 50 item buyers in express lines, but that one’s pretty obvious
  • Mark Zuckerberg
  • Comic artists who don’t give women enough clothes
  • Writers who don’t give women enough lines
  • Producers who don’t give actresses enough money
  • People who take up two parking spots on purpose
  • Dog poop non-scoopers (obviously; one offense is sufficient though, which is important to note)
  • Everyone (owners, investors, bus boys, mailmen, hosts) involved in the day to day function of restaurants that quit serving brunch fifteen minutes early (or ever, potentially) or serve fake maple syrup
  • People over 30 who don’t own a Ramones album, unless they were raised by wolves
  • Richard Spencer (made being a nazi fashionable; ruined the undercut hairdo) < duh
  • People who sell their old punk t-shirts on eBay*
  • Mimes (no reason)



*Some offenses can be lessened by campaigning to pass the ERA, recycling bottles, working at a soup kitchen, or writing an essay (pro or con) about the Oxford comma
**Meant in the literal use of the adjective "boring," not for ex. to indicate employees of The Boring Company

And it turns out Mitch McConnell is Satan, actually, so sorry if I just ruined your day.

12.05.2016

Xmas list - special election edition

Edit (around a year later): boy, this was (slightly) funny a year ago, when I thought this Golden Toilet President was a big mistake (keep reading) that was going to be rectified quickly .. I thought: this is what the electoral college is for!
Welp, evidently not ...

anyway, with that brief and meaningless disclaimer, I'm going to republish this "joke" of a post – Xmas gift ideas for the New Fuehrer, who doesn't read and possibly can't read – and leave the deep dives into the state of our democracy for some other time, or somebody else, so I can use this blog again the way god (=me) intended, for primarily my own amusement.

Here it is below, as initially posted:

Xmas gift ideas for Lord Dampnut:

Mein Kampf (his copy worn, no doubt)

Everyone Poops

Breitbart Headlines of the Year

Fifty Shades of White

OED (bookmarked to "drain" and "swamp" pages)

Big Book of Smut, Vol. 2

Guinness Book of World Records

Collected Crusader Front Pages

Lolita

Thirty American Billionaires

Thirty More American Billionaires: Debutantes of 2016

How to Encrust Your Toilet in Swarovski Crystals on a Budget

Starter Book on Male Supremacist Policy

When Despots Come to Dinner: Tales From an Unconventional White House

Voice Mail Manual, Chapter 3: How to Let a Call Go to Voicemail

Secret Swastikas in Everyday Items! A Craft Book

Bigger Hands in 30 Days

Playboy Centerfolds Collection: The Father / Daughter Issue

Social Media Etiquette Guide For Seniors

Who Moved My Cheese?

Tweet or Nuke? A Real Man's Guide to Decision Making in Government

Men Are From Mars, Women Are Just the Equivalent of Adam's Rib

Dapper Tailoring for the New Alt-Right Metrosexual

"Stop By if You're in the Area!" And Other So-called Gaffes From History's Greatest World Leaders

The Art of the Deal (oversize print version)

Pat the Bunny

Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests 

Slow Down Says Who? The Golf Pro's Guide to Sex After Seventy

Diplomacy for Dummies

Gerrymandering Workbook for the Modern GOP

Big Words Made Simpler: Eighth Grade Level Context & Comprehension

The Stranger

 

7.02.2016

block everybody.

Hello boys and girls. Primarily girls. Women. Today I'm going to introduce a little concept called "block everybody." Take notes. This is a self defense class.

First I have to explain a concept I like to call “removing the misogyny pin.” Imagine some men are like hand grenades. (no, not all men. But it doesn’t matter, unless you become especially adept at determining which ones, which actually trust me, will probably happen as you face abuse, which will happen to you because you’re a woman and you’re online.) These men will act like they like and respect women and consider us equals – you will know who they are because they will TELL YOU SO – and they will act like this for an indefinite amount of time, until you say the wrong thing.   (There is no wrong thing, by the way. There is nothing you should fear saying to a man. I should have put “the wrong thing” in quotes, but I didn’t want to trivialize it.)  The wrong thing will pull the pin out of the grenade.

Sometimes a different woman will come along after the explosion and kowtow, capitulate, sublimate their own needs, nurture, apologize, or exhibit any number of appropriately feminine behaviors and the guy will stuff the pin back in and say something like “see? it’s because you’re a bitch” to you, then be nice again to the non-aggressive woman.

I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting it takes an act of aggression to remove the pin. It does not. All it takes is an act of refusing to be less than. This is how you should always be. Say as much. Take up as much space. Be as heard. Land your words with as much finality. Be as competent.  When I say there can be, by contrast, a non-aggressive woman, I mean a less assertive woman. (Less assertive than the hand grenade, not less assertive than you. But, also, you.) This woman hasn’t exactly done anything wrong either, and has been used as a pawn.

But anyway, sometimes it's just you. And even without a "less aggressive woman" (peacemaker, likely) to contrast you to, who you are and what you've said and done are being distorted. You're being gaslighted. What do you do? Logic your way out? Defend what you said? Get smaller? Put on some armor and ignore it? Dive under a desk? Hell no. Vanish this cat. And then keep on keeping on. Get him out of your way, and continue to be you. Ready to see it in action?

Let me give you an example.



So how do you think I responded to this guy?  I had something to say, of course, because I don’t just sit there and take it up the rear when I’m talking about women taking it up the rear all the time for no reason.  But no matter .. here’s what I did that mattered.  Take notes.

I blocked the sonofabitch.

Cool?

When a dude tries to shut you up, shut the motherfucker up.  It'll get easier. Practice.  One day you will visit your blocked list, out of curiosity, and it will be full of dudes.  They are not casualties. Who cares? No guy you want to be friends with will end up on this list. Just the guys who hate women and trolled you online. They sucker punched you, and you handcuffed them.  Don’t pass go, Don’t get the dude’s statement, don’t try to figure out where he’s coming from.  Don't check with anyone to see if you said something that - no. Just make it stop, stat. Nobody is going to do it for you.  It will learn to feel nice. No stress, no shot of sick adrenaline, no feeling like you’ve been insulted, demeaned, abused, just “block.” Done. It will become muscle memory. It will be so easy.

Block those motherfuckers. Block everybody.