a short sweet list of people who are going to hell

*yawn*stretchstretch*

*breaks out the ole rusty snarkwriting muscle*

*takes a sip of water*

Ahem ... 

PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO HELL

(that you might not think of immediately – could be your neighbors, anybody. terrifying)

• Every landlord I’ve ever had
• Prison wardens
• Everybody who doesn’t read
• Dentists
• Boring people* **
• Cat slanderers
• Fruit stickerers
• Meter maids*
• Republicans
• The inventor of the car alarm
• People who say “irregardless”
• Shoe eschewers
• Birkenstock enthusiasts
• Morning people*
• Happy joggers
• AM radio talk show hosts
• Drivers who don't use their blinkers
• Anyone who owns so little music they don’t need to categorize it
• Bottle non-recyclers*
• Clowns*
• Cheaters (dictators, dopers, line cutters)
• Unannounced visitors*
• Perfume overdoers
• Basically most people who have never had a mohawk*
• Some popes, but not Pope Francis
• Leaf blower operators
• 50 item buyers in express lines, but that one’s pretty obvious
• Mark Zuckerberg
• Comic artists who don’t give women enough clothes
• Writers who don’t give women enough lines
• Producers who don’t give actresses enough money
• People who take up two parking spots on purpose
• Dog poop non-scoopers (obviously; one offense is sufficient though, which is important to note)
• Everyone (owners, investors, bus boys, mailmen, hosts) involved in the day to day function of restaurants that quit serving brunch fifteen minutes early (or ever, potentially) or serve fake maple syrup
• People over 30 who don’t own a Ramones album, unless they were raised by wolves
• Richard Spencer (made being a nazi fashionable; ruined the undercut hairdo) < duh
• People who sell their old punk t-shirts on eBay*
• Mimes (no reason)

*Some offenses can be lessened by campaigning to pass the ERA, recycling bottles, working at a soup kitchen, or writing an essay (pro or con) about the Oxford comma

**Meant in the literal use of the adjective "boring," not for ex. to indicate employees of The Boring Company

And it turns out Mitch McConnell is Satan, actually, so sorry if I just ruined your day.

Xmas list - special election edition

Edit (around a year later): boy, this was (slightly) funny a year ago, when I thought this Golden Toilet President was a big mistake (keep reading) that was going to be rectified quickly .. I thought: this is what the electoral college is for!
Welp, evidently not ...

anyway, with that brief and meaningless disclaimer, I'm going to republish this "joke" of a post – Xmas gift ideas for the New Fuehrer, who doesn't read and possibly can't read – and leave the deep dives into the state of our democracy for some other time, or somebody else, so I can use this blog again the way god (=me) intended, for primarily my own amusement.

Here it is below, as initially posted:

Xmas gift ideas for Lord Dampnut:

Mein Kampf (his copy worn, no doubt)

Everyone Poops

Breitbart Headlines of the Year

Fifty Shades of White

OED (bookmarked to "drain" and "swamp" pages)

Big Book of Smut, Vol. 2

Guinness Book of World Records

Collected Crusader Front Pages

Lolita

Thirty American Billionaires

Thirty More American Billionaires: Debutantes of 2016

How to Encrust Your Toilet in Swarovski Crystals on a Budget

Starter Book on Male Supremacist Policy

When Despots Come to Dinner: Tales From an Unconventional White House

Voice Mail Manual, Chapter 3: How to Let a Call Go to Voicemail

Secret Swastikas in Everyday Items! A Craft Book

Bigger Hands in 30 Days

Playboy Centerfolds Collection: The Father / Daughter Issue

Social Media Etiquette Guide For Seniors

Who Moved My Cheese?

Tweet or Nuke? A Real Man's Guide to Decision Making in Government

Men Are From Mars, Women Are Just the Equivalent of Adam's Rib

Dapper Tailoring for the New Alt-Right Metrosexual

"Stop By if You're in the Area!" And Other So-called Gaffes From History's Greatest World Leaders

The Art of the Deal (oversize print version)

Pat the Bunny

Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests 

Slow Down Says Who? The Golf Pro's Guide to Sex After Seventy

Diplomacy for Dummies

Gerrymandering Workbook for the Modern GOP

Big Words Made Simpler: Eighth Grade Level Context & Comprehension

The Stranger

 

block everybody.

Hello boys and girls. Primarily girls. Women. Today I'm going to introduce a little concept called "block everybody." Take notes. This is a self defense class.

First I have to explain a concept I like to call “removing the misogyny pin.” Imagine some men are like hand grenades. (no, not all men. But it doesn’t matter, unless you become especially adept at determining which ones, which actually trust me, will probably happen as you face abuse, which will happen to you because you’re a woman and you’re online.) These men will act like they like and respect women and consider us equals – you will know who they are because they will TELL YOU SO – and they will act like this for an indefinite amount of time, until you say the wrong thing.   (There is no wrong thing, by the way. There is nothing you should fear saying to a man. I should have put “the wrong thing” in quotes, but I didn’t want to trivialize it.)  The wrong thing will pull the pin out of the grenade.

Sometimes a different woman will come along after the explosion and kowtow, capitulate, sublimate their own needs, nurture, apologize, or exhibit any number of appropriately feminine behaviors and the guy will stuff the pin back in and say something like “see? it’s because you’re a bitch” to you, then be nice again to the non-aggressive woman.

I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting it takes an act of aggression to remove the pin. It does not. All it takes is an act of refusing to be less than. This is how you should always be. Say as much. Take up as much space. Be as heard. Land your words with as much finality. Be as competent.  When I say there can be, by contrast, a non-aggressive woman, I mean a less assertive woman. (Less assertive than the hand grenade, not less assertive than you. But, also, you.) This woman hasn’t exactly done anything wrong either, and has been used as a pawn.

But anyway, sometimes it's just you. And even without a "less aggressive woman" (peacemaker, likely) to contrast you to, who you are and what you've said and done are being distorted. You're being gaslighted. What do you do? Logic your way out? Defend what you said? Get smaller? Put on some armor and ignore it? Dive under a desk? Hell no. Vanish this cat. And then keep on keeping on. Get him out of your way, and continue to be you. Ready to see it in action?

Let me give you an example.

So how do you think I responded to this guy?  I had something to say, of course, because I don’t just sit there and take it up the rear when I’m talking about women taking it up the rear all the time for no reason.  But no matter .. here’s what I did that mattered.  Take notes.

I blocked the sonofabitch.

Cool?

When a dude tries to shut you up, shut the motherfucker up.  It'll get easier. Practice.  One day you will visit your blocked list, out of curiosity, and it will be full of dudes.  They are not casualties. Who cares? No guy you want to be friends with will end up on this list. Just the guys who hate women and trolled you online. They sucker punched you, and you handcuffed them.  Don’t pass go, Don’t get the dude’s statement, don’t try to figure out where he’s coming from.  Don't check with anyone to see if you said something that - no. Just make it stop, stat. Nobody is going to do it for you.  It will learn to feel nice. No stress, no shot of sick adrenaline, no feeling like you’ve been insulted, demeaned, abused, just “block.” Done. It will become muscle memory. It will be so easy.

Block those motherfuckers. Block everybody.

Trümpland über alles

Wondering – now it appears it might not be such a joke after all – what a president Trümp would look like?

Just a taste, but in headlines, this is what just his campaign for the GOP nomination is looking like (a lot of these articles are from this week):

Trump’s rallies are full of protesters, shouting, and sometimes even violence

Trump’s name takes new meaning as racist taunt

White nationalist group makes robocalls supporting Trump

Former KKK grand wizard David Duke says voting against Trump is treason to your heritage


Here's a thoughtful question:

Is Donald Trump a fascist?

(opinions differ ... )

Donald Trump is an actual fascist

I know fascists; Donald Trump is no fascist

(although the article does say "Trump's xenophobic rhetoric, his demagoguery, and his populist appeals to citizens' economic anxieties certainly borrow from the fascist playbook.")

What does the GOP think of all this? Are they as alarmed as those on the left? (Does it matter?) Tough to say.

Establishment GOP now shifting to Trump

GOP establishment bashes Chris Christie for endorsing Trump

Of course, everyone talks smack about their rivals, but this alarm bell ringing Kasich ad isn't especially out of line.

Well, maybe Kasich is kind of reasonable? Maybe voters will wise up and he will get the nomination, and if the GOP takes the White House, it won't be totally awful? Not likely, but regardless, a reality check:

Kasich defunds Planned Parenthood in Ohio


Alright, well whatever ... this is all just drama. News networks have sold out and it's all about ratings. It's all about ad sales. It's all clickbait.  And probably no one is taking the KKK seriously.  We are waaaay past that (except for police killing black men). Right?

Wrong.

Trump breathing life into America's dying white supremacist movement

Trump’s America arrives: 3 muslims shot execution style in Indiana

(there are many articles on this incident from more "legitimate" news sources, but this is in my opinion the most apt headline)

3 stabbed at KKK gathering in CA, including one with flagpole

Southern Poverty Law Center intelligence report: amid year of lethal violence, extremist groups expanded ranks in 2015

^ this is a whole series of articles, among them:
The year in hate and extremism


How did we get here???

This is SO DUMB, IT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE REALLY HAPPENING. TELL ME THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.


By now you are probably anxious to read something intelligent about this grim situation, so try this:
Matt Taibbi for Rolling Stone: How America made Trump unstoppable

"A thousand ridiculous accidents needed to happen in the unlikeliest of sequences for it to be possible, but absent a dramatic turn of events – an early primary catastrophe, Mike Bloomberg ego-crashing the race, etc. – this boorish, monosyllabic TV tyrant with the attention span of an Xbox-playing 11-year-old really is set to lay waste to the most impenetrable oligarchy the Western world ever devised.

It turns out we let our electoral process devolve into something so fake and dysfunctional that any half-bright con man with the stones to try it could walk right through the front door and tear it to shreds on the first go."

Go ahead and scream.


I'll leave you with this:

Donald Trump will always be a short fingered vulgarian

America's Next Top Diplomat

Before reading this blog post, I humbly ask that you watch the video of Donald Trümp's Nevada caucus victory speech.  Keep a barf bag nearby, or pretend it's an SNL skit. Whatever gets you through it, but unlike republican caucus goers, remember not to vote (or raise your hand, or walk out the door with your unsubmitted voter registration .. or whatever it is people do at those things).

Here is the video.

Made it?  Ok. Kind of reminds me of a victory version of this:

If we can fast forward to a day in the future, when Trümp has had his fill of xenophobic followers cheering for him in arenas and has retired from politics (fingers crossed we see that day, and soon), maybe when our country has indeed become a better place (not the type of "great" place that keeps immigrants out with a wall), this is pretty fucking funny. This is great satire. It's all air: there's no shape to this speech, no indication that he's ever read a newspaper or that he's qualified to run a bingo match, let alone a whole country. Someone gave this man a microphone and he said "Vote for me! Trümp! And we'll have a great country - we'll win! Thanks voters! We're winning! Thanks immigrants; I hate you! And you voted for me anyway. Yay! Win! Win! Win!" and everyone cheered! They listened. They were captivated. His income is higher than most countries.

The Donald (not a person; a corporation, thus the ability to paralyze voters with his speech) has said that it's just interviewers who ask him questions about policy - voters don't care.  He is absolutely right. No one is looking to him for substance. They are just looking for a charismatic dad to tell them it's ok they hate Muslims - so does everyone else at the Trump rally! Maybe everybody everywhere! What a relief. So tiring, walking on eggshells about it. Yay! Winning!

I think we're in real danger here, both of taking Trümp far too seriously and of not taking him seriously enough. (As a candidate / as a threat to international diplomacy.) We give him substantially more air time than any other candidate. This is our fault - we're legitimizing him, his fans, his wealth, his fame, by giving him almost as much press as the Kardashians.




I did just say that. I said it.

But what's a more apt comparison? Does Kim K even speak? I've got no idea .. her lips could be glued together.  But it's impossible not to know her.  What does she do? No clue. Fame is now earned for nothing - why not the presidency? He won't play White House unsupervised.. the Kochs write all our legislation at this point, our petulant senate won't show up to work unless they get to oppose the black man on everything; they've made a mockery out of government.  So rises a mockery of a candidate. He's a caricature that breathes. He is yelling from a podium, with hamster hair, "My words mean nothing! You'll all just vote for me anyway!" And the crowd swells with relief! No one is going to ask them to understand politics. They don't even mind being called dumb. It's like a tailgate party.

Are we really doing this? Guys, this is real life, not reality TV. Or have they merged? can't keep track of who owns what.

Who could take this guy seriously? But we must. Laugh at home, put your brain in before entering a voting booth. He should not be where he is. This is far from ok.

People are sounding warnings here and there, but no one's really listening. Well, nobody but the Germans.

Joe's dead phone

campus racism part 3: "I'm not racist but ... "

… nothing good ever follows that sentence. It’s solidly reemerged as a trope in the American cultural lexicon. I’ve been hearing / seeing it a lot. (I say seeing, because so much of the social fabric of America now unfolds over social media, and also because in face to face conversation, people seem to behave better.)

A few weeks ago, I was going to write a lengthy follow up piece to my post about white student unions, but so many other things (mostly shootings; also an uprising in anti-Muslim sentiment) have stolen my attention since I first began composing my thoughts about this new uprising of racism, all my ideas got eclipsed by distressing and immediate events that call for as much examination and which have faded from the spotlight in rapid succession. It’s good that we have all developed short attention spans, because it allows us to process shock and outrage in a quick compressed cycle and move on before another stunner hits the news. Back to it though, a summary of my philosophy on the matter: the Black Lives Matter movement, and before BLM the election of Barack Obama, have provoked an enormous racist backlash. Obvious. There’s a great book about the concept of backlash against social momentum, and though it’s about responses to female progress, I have stolen the term and applied it to social movements of all types. Social progress is hard earned and demands a fight. Demands it, absolutely. I do not use that word sloppily. But what happens when you fight? Someone fights back. Privilege fighting back, pushing against a movement for equality, is a backlash.  It is predictable, like a tide. Two steps forward, one step back (although when economic inequality grows, social progress erodes along with it ... a whole nother can of worms).

I was going to write about Amazon’s dumb retort to suggestions that they should remove (contextually appropriate but offensive to the unaware) subway ads for The Man in the High Castle; I was going to talk about a New York Times article about campus racism culture (if there’s rape culture, I’m going to call it if I haven’t already: there also is racism culture) that with some words changed, might have been mistaken for a fluffy human interest piece about siblings squabbling over TV time (I don’t know where that article is. Probably I read it in a fumed state of mind.) … but as I said, too many other things have grabbed my attention, and I could not follow up on any of those tiny tree branches.  So off they go into the wind. American culture needs a therapist.

Worth noting is that I read an article proposing that the white student unions were largely the work of one or a group of trolls. It's pretty flippant. I don’t know if that’s the truth, but it’s worrying even if so, and there are plenty of signs that racists are mobilizing whether more hate groups exist in real space or are just growing conceptually. I have removed the schools’ contact info from that post. I had written a few in California to inquire about their response to having a white student union forming, and none responded. In the letters I framed my concern something like this: although I am not a student at their school(s), the influence of students on the community around them is an important one. And I believe this. Student dialogue is important. This is where a lot of great thinkers and great writers (and great observers of human behavior and cultural trends) develop their communication skills. I was implying, additionally, that colleges have a connection to the rest of their culture and are not just elite institutions where rich kids talk about nothing.

Also I’ve rubbernecked, like a car accident, a number of social media conversations about Black Lives Matter and am always stunned by people openly expressing their hostility towards the movement, unaware or unperturbed by the frequency of police executions of people of color in this country (or possibly: unaware of their inner racist).

Further, I’m going to go right ahead and blame Donald Trump’s presidential bid for smoking out all the latent bigots.

And I guess that sums up the icing on what I would have written in the past month, if I'd had any philosophizing in me.